In Over My Head

I Can’t Do This Alone (So I’m Not)

There’s no tidy way to write this, so I’m going to write it messy.

I’m in two worlds at once. I’ve taken on a “dream come true” project. With one eye I see the exceptional opportunity, the joy, the cascading positivity. The other eye sees the responsibility, the fear, the risk of failure. The parallax is intense.

I’m in over my head. I’m right where I want to be. I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I’m having the time of my life. I’m stretched. I’m growing up.

That’s the voice in my head these days. Oscillating between flow and overwhelm. I feel more alive than I have in many years. It’s awesome. It’s stressful.

I’ve put myself in a situation where I’m only going to succeed with the support of many friends, mentors, and angels.

I took a great big gamble on community.

February 4th, I sent a tweet. 120 characters that changed my life: “I need to borrow €50k so I can secure the first year of rent on a big events house outside Barcelona. would you help?”

It took about 3 hours to reach the target. 3 hours! 10 friends each agreed to a €5k loan. Pinch me, am I dreaming?

We found the house just a week after we found the money. 10 bedrooms, salt-water swimming pool. Beautifully private in a green green green national park. Just an hour from Barcelona airport. The perfect place for us to host our retreats and co-living weeks. Ideal human habitat. A new destination for the curious, open-hearted, earnest people we’ve been collecting over the last decade.

This is a place where we compile the evidence: whatever the problem, community is the answer.

We used the loan to pay the first year of rent up front. I promised the lenders we’d repay the loan after the first year.

I made some mistakes. My sin is excessive optimism. I tell myself, delusional optimism is table stakes. Nobody prudent would start a project like this.

First mistake. I should not have promised to repay the loan so fast. I know we can make this into a profitable community centre. But I should have asked for an extra year or two of grace. We can probably make the repayment deadline, but we may have to compromise on the mission to do it. The financial pressure is distorting our decision-making. The lenders are my friends, we can renegotiate if it comes to that. It will be fine. But I hate to go back on a promise. If it comes to that.

Second mistake. I should’ve raised an extra 20 grand for renovations, but I took it from our savings instead. I underestimated the psychological cost that would put on Nati & I. I was trying to create more security for us but we’re more precarious than ever.

We’re going to make it work, we always do. But I just want to be honest about what it takes to build something beautiful. It’s an endless stream of high-stakes decisions with ambiguous information. It’s taking responsibility for outcomes I can’t control.

We opened 2 months ago. Already the potency of this place is obvious. I’ve watched the transformations unfolding in people. What happens when you spend a week in good company, surrounded by trustworthy people who are willing to share from their surplus of joy, care, and enthusiasm. What happens when you show us who you are, unfiltered, and find yourself not just tolerated but embraced. Even the parts of you that you’d rather hide from yourself. All of you.

We’re building a welcome home. Ideal human habitat. There’s no agenda. No magic bullet. Meditation, exercise, skillshares, psychedelics, rest, dialogue, somatics, prayer, mentorship, yoga, singing, hiking, art, dancing, deep 1:1s, cooking, pottery, peer support, bird-watching, shared meals under the tilo tree. We’re not going to tell you what to do. You choose your own adventure. Let life tug you along. Venture out of your comfort zone as you get evidence that it’s safe to do so.

When it’s good, it’s really good. But the sleepless nights are taking their toll. I’m in over my head. I bit off more than I can chew.

The bottleneck is obvious. I need to practice asking for help.

Usually I feel like needing help is a sign of weakness. Like I have a limited supply of favours I can ask. Like, 3 strikes and I’m out. Like, if I keep asking, people are going to see me as incompetent, lose trust in me.

But I’m re-patterning my mindset. By asking for help I’m defining the parameters for you to participate in something meaningful. We’re building something bigger than what anyone could lift on their own. It’s up to me to articulate the ways that you can plug in and contribute.

Over brunch this morning, we wrote a list: the Casa Tilo Gift Registry for the Benefit of all Beings. If you want to help, check out and buy us a gift! Or buy your ticket for one of our upcoming events!

I’ve been praying for guidance. I ask God, let it be enough. Take this imperfect sacrifice, see the good and let it be enough. I’m giving everything I got Lord, take this labour and let it be enough. We’re building a little paradise on earth, for the benefit of all beings. Let it be enough.

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UPDATE: since publishing this post, many people reached out to offer donations, totalling €12,300 in the first 24 hours. We’re blown away. Thank you for the gifts! We will use them wisely! You can find donation info here.