Perceptive or Invasive - Where's The Line?

if you could influence someone in domains of reality they're not aware of... how would you do that ethically?

I feel like my capacity to subtly influence people keeps growing, but my ethical framework is not necessarily keeping up.

esoteric beings influence each other with subtle psychic energies, by DALL-E 3

People instinctively mimic each other, especially when they're face-to-face, and especially if they have their guard down.

I'm standing in a narrow hallway, deep in conversation with my friend Kris. As I glance over his shoulder, I can see Gina coming towards us. Kris is not aware he's blocking the path. I don't want to interrupt him. So I duck to one side, Kris instinctively mirrors my movement, and the path is cleared. He was not really aware of moving. To him it felt natural, not noticeable. But I intentionally gave him a subconscious nudge, moved him out of the path without asking for consent.

This is an inconsequential example. But still there's a part of me thinking “is this psychopath behaviour?”

It’s normal for us to subtly influence each other all day long. It’s unavoidable. One of the perks of being a mammal. But influencing people on purpose feels like a whole other thing.

This small example is obviously harmless, maybe even beneficial. I used my perceptiveness to influence the smooth function of the group. Kris and Gina both got what they wanted, without being interrupted.

But of course I can also use my perceptiveness to influence more consequential scenarios.

In my community-building and group facilitation work, there have been a couple times where I find myself working with a young man. He is dealing with shame & anxiety, and l’m providing encouragement & care. There’s a specific “move” available to me, there’s a way I can inhabit the energy of this young man’s father, look him in the eyes, and deliver a message he would desperately love to hear from his dad: I see you, I'm proud of you, you got this, that sorta thing.

This feels like an extremely consequential move, the kind of thing that can help someone switch their default orientation from self-hate to self-love. Powerful, and dangerous.

After a couple of experiences like this, I renounced the “impersonate your dad” move. It feels too invasive, too consequential. Even if you assume I have the best intentions, a pure spirit, no selfish egotistical drives, even still, what happens the following week? I’ve just pressed your “dad really loves me” button, and a couple days later l’ve left town and I’m out of touch? No. Bad idea. Red flag. Abort.

I think I learned that lesson without doing any harm. But I kinda feel like I got lucky. I hang out with very open-minded people. Sometimes I’m in a position where they are looking up to me. If I were just a little more gung-ho and a little less reflective, I could imagine poking around in the deep code of people’s psychology and making a big mess.

I realise it is kinda cringe to claim “wow I'm so perceptive look at me”. But I prefer to say too much and be cringe, rather than just quietly fumble my way into regrettable territory.

The more capacities I develop, the more power I have to influence people, and the more I feel the need for an ethical compass that fits the subtlety of the situations I find myself in. Consent is a useful frame, but only up to a point. At some point the information asymmetry makes it irrelevant. You can’t consent to me unconsciously moving you out of the way of someone walking down the hallway - once you consent, you’re conscious.

My current working solution to this scary challenge is to try to minimise the power difference between me & the people around me. So for example, instead of carrying on down the path of being an ever-more ambitious facilitator, I’m training other facilitators to lift their game. I want to be surrounded by people who are at least as perceptive as I am, so there’s no asymmetry to be exploited.

I feel the need for companionship from peers and mentors who can help me learn in a safe-to-fail context. If you’re in a position where you can have influence over other people without their conscious awareness or full consent, how do you stay clear about your ethical boundaries? How do you protect against abuse of power? Sometimes it feels a bit like being a toddler with an uzi.

Parents have other parents to talk with. Therapists have supervision. I’m not a therapist. I don’t even know what the name is for my job. I got that fumbling around in the dark feeling. If you have sensitivities or capacities for influence that are beyond the comprehension of the people you're influencing, how do you maintain your ethical centre?

Anyway, this is all extremely weird & exposing, so I better close my eyes and hit publish before I second-guess it too much. Um, help?