What if you zoom out and take the perspective that you’re part of an interconnected, intelligent web of influences on this person’s life?
Then rather than trying to evaluate your impact consequentially, you could ask “does it feel like Life is calling me to adopt this role right now in service of this person?”, and trust that Life will follow up with the aftercare needed.
Tough thing is that sometimes we’ll get it wrong, but perhaps it’s better to be available for life to act through us than to block the flow from fear of generating harm.
for inconsequential scenarios (like the make-space-in-the-hallway-for-someone-to pass-example): just do it.
for more consequential scenarios (like the I-am-proud-of-you-example): make the context and my role clear. As in: "This is a coaching session. I am going to say words to you that your emotional brain needs to hear in order to let go and heal." I have experienced this particular example several times in a workshop setup and it substantially helped me with healing. The way it was framed there is: "If I was your father, what I would want you to know is that I am proud of you." This framing made it very clear that this is a hypothetical. I didn't attach the statement to the person. I couldn't even tell you today who the people were who said these words to me. Nonetheless, emotionally, these words hit right home.
Oct 14, 2023·edited Oct 14, 2023Liked by Richard D. Bartlett
I think what you say about companionship is spot on. Dominic Barter emphasises the importance of support, not for his sake, but for the sake of the people he works with - that without it, he's a danger to himself and others (as we all are, especially across steep power differentials). His support system includes having a handful of people on call who he can ring even for 2 minute phone calls while he's delivering work - to regulate, to vent, to get advice.
There's a bigger question for me here about healthy power and navigating the huge dangers and pitfalls and pains that come with accruing more power and capacity... We need more discussion of the difficulties of this. Thanks for risking the vulnerability of a) acknowledging the power and capabilities that you have and b) sharing the dilemmas around this, even when, as Kit Miller puts it "empathy doesn't flow uphill very easily".
"Therapists have supervision. I’m not a therapist" = I think some therapy supervisors would be open to "supervising" a non-therapist. At least, I don't see why they wouldn't. As a therapist with three regular supervisors, I think many other activities could benefit from the supervisor pattern: yoga teachers, soldiers, school teachers, doctors, firefighters, nurses, social workers...
Freud said the work begins when transference is established (client starts to ascribe e.g. "father" to therapist). From there, as you've found, there is great power ("for" more than "over") and great responsibility. I say lean in 😬
1. it is impossible to predict the paths of billiard balls beyond a few collisions, let alone the paths of souls and bodyminds. What's your confidence threshold for acting and influencing? What's more robust, prediction of outcomes, or coherence with inputs/values?
2. instead of looking at power imbalance in general perceptiveness, get concrete: the issue arises in a particular moment when one is conscious and the other unconscious. That's why in a deep friendship, this is moot... one person will be "in power" at times, and vice versa, and trust and shared ethics carry the boat.
Great post Rich, gives me a lot to think about for my work as a manager. Going beyond what conscious influencing may or may not be beneficial to the group or the influenced individuals, I’m also wondering how my growth in influencing skills over the last years affects my impact based on my own conscious and unconscious needs and desires. I noticed these needs and desires became a lot more potent recently, and that made me a lot more self-observing.
Hmm, are the two examples you give deliberately quite low-key, evident ones?
I'm not really great at this stuff, I don't think. Even so, I reckon I *would* move somebody like that out the way of someone else in a corridor. And certainly the "dad move" might occur to me in a therapy-like conversation - and I may or may not rule it out for the same reasons you do.
Do you have other examples, what was the most worrying one?
I'm imagining really super controlling things, which I'm sure are possible and beyond what I perceive.
I actually joined substack a few weeks ago, as I was missing reading you and I struggle a lot with twitter.
Your email came in at a time where I'm also coming to terms with the impact of my behaviours within my team and the existing differences in awareness and experience between us. I thought about replying to the email as I also felt this too intimate to share in a public channel but there's value in putting ourselves out here. And you did so will I.
I have brought up similar considerations to the team under the topic of distribution of power (a type of language that Nati and you have given us). Creating an awareness over our differences in abilities like persuasiveness, clarity, self-confidence and how I can use those to get what I want. What I think is right. My capacity to influence.
I need them to become sensitive, critical to these things and be aware that I have these "tools" while they don't have them yet, or never will. But I don't want that the solution is me becoming their coach. I want a team to play with. A team without a star player even.
Just today I wrote to them that I have to refrain from making strategic proposals as we are addicted to it. Addicted to me being the one doing it. I'm very good at it and our (perceivingly fair) ways are actually making me even better at it.
I know this is not exactly what you are asking and to be more specific to this post; I have sometimes used the sentence "I know things that you don't know" to create discomfort and a little suspicion from the group to put people in a more critical mindset and sometimes even start a conversation about the process that is happening and that they might be unaware of. I feel that honesty (with kindness) more than sympathy is more ethical and doesn't loose the needed supporting effect.
This is a great reflection as usual from you but when I read the title, and like someone already mentioned here in the comments, I had hoped for more sensitive examples. I'm also looking for peer support and unwillingly conforming that I have to also look for it outside of my team. I cringe with the idea of mentorship but I would like to try a more symmetric space for conversations with people that sometimes feel that they don't know what they're doing. What do you say? Small peer exchange group experiment?
What a dope inquiry…
What if you zoom out and take the perspective that you’re part of an interconnected, intelligent web of influences on this person’s life?
Then rather than trying to evaluate your impact consequentially, you could ask “does it feel like Life is calling me to adopt this role right now in service of this person?”, and trust that Life will follow up with the aftercare needed.
Tough thing is that sometimes we’ll get it wrong, but perhaps it’s better to be available for life to act through us than to block the flow from fear of generating harm.
What aligns with my ethics...
for inconsequential scenarios (like the make-space-in-the-hallway-for-someone-to pass-example): just do it.
for more consequential scenarios (like the I-am-proud-of-you-example): make the context and my role clear. As in: "This is a coaching session. I am going to say words to you that your emotional brain needs to hear in order to let go and heal." I have experienced this particular example several times in a workshop setup and it substantially helped me with healing. The way it was framed there is: "If I was your father, what I would want you to know is that I am proud of you." This framing made it very clear that this is a hypothetical. I didn't attach the statement to the person. I couldn't even tell you today who the people were who said these words to me. Nonetheless, emotionally, these words hit right home.
I think what you say about companionship is spot on. Dominic Barter emphasises the importance of support, not for his sake, but for the sake of the people he works with - that without it, he's a danger to himself and others (as we all are, especially across steep power differentials). His support system includes having a handful of people on call who he can ring even for 2 minute phone calls while he's delivering work - to regulate, to vent, to get advice.
There's a bigger question for me here about healthy power and navigating the huge dangers and pitfalls and pains that come with accruing more power and capacity... We need more discussion of the difficulties of this. Thanks for risking the vulnerability of a) acknowledging the power and capabilities that you have and b) sharing the dilemmas around this, even when, as Kit Miller puts it "empathy doesn't flow uphill very easily".
"Therapists have supervision. I’m not a therapist" = I think some therapy supervisors would be open to "supervising" a non-therapist. At least, I don't see why they wouldn't. As a therapist with three regular supervisors, I think many other activities could benefit from the supervisor pattern: yoga teachers, soldiers, school teachers, doctors, firefighters, nurses, social workers...
Freud said the work begins when transference is established (client starts to ascribe e.g. "father" to therapist). From there, as you've found, there is great power ("for" more than "over") and great responsibility. I say lean in 😬
a few prompts/thoughts:
1. it is impossible to predict the paths of billiard balls beyond a few collisions, let alone the paths of souls and bodyminds. What's your confidence threshold for acting and influencing? What's more robust, prediction of outcomes, or coherence with inputs/values?
2. instead of looking at power imbalance in general perceptiveness, get concrete: the issue arises in a particular moment when one is conscious and the other unconscious. That's why in a deep friendship, this is moot... one person will be "in power" at times, and vice versa, and trust and shared ethics carry the boat.
Great post Rich, gives me a lot to think about for my work as a manager. Going beyond what conscious influencing may or may not be beneficial to the group or the influenced individuals, I’m also wondering how my growth in influencing skills over the last years affects my impact based on my own conscious and unconscious needs and desires. I noticed these needs and desires became a lot more potent recently, and that made me a lot more self-observing.
Hmm, are the two examples you give deliberately quite low-key, evident ones?
I'm not really great at this stuff, I don't think. Even so, I reckon I *would* move somebody like that out the way of someone else in a corridor. And certainly the "dad move" might occur to me in a therapy-like conversation - and I may or may not rule it out for the same reasons you do.
Do you have other examples, what was the most worrying one?
I'm imagining really super controlling things, which I'm sure are possible and beyond what I perceive.
Or “emotions to values” ;)
One possible approach is care ethics.
Hi Rich 👋 Thanks for hitting publish!
I actually joined substack a few weeks ago, as I was missing reading you and I struggle a lot with twitter.
Your email came in at a time where I'm also coming to terms with the impact of my behaviours within my team and the existing differences in awareness and experience between us. I thought about replying to the email as I also felt this too intimate to share in a public channel but there's value in putting ourselves out here. And you did so will I.
I have brought up similar considerations to the team under the topic of distribution of power (a type of language that Nati and you have given us). Creating an awareness over our differences in abilities like persuasiveness, clarity, self-confidence and how I can use those to get what I want. What I think is right. My capacity to influence.
I need them to become sensitive, critical to these things and be aware that I have these "tools" while they don't have them yet, or never will. But I don't want that the solution is me becoming their coach. I want a team to play with. A team without a star player even.
Just today I wrote to them that I have to refrain from making strategic proposals as we are addicted to it. Addicted to me being the one doing it. I'm very good at it and our (perceivingly fair) ways are actually making me even better at it.
I know this is not exactly what you are asking and to be more specific to this post; I have sometimes used the sentence "I know things that you don't know" to create discomfort and a little suspicion from the group to put people in a more critical mindset and sometimes even start a conversation about the process that is happening and that they might be unaware of. I feel that honesty (with kindness) more than sympathy is more ethical and doesn't loose the needed supporting effect.
This is a great reflection as usual from you but when I read the title, and like someone already mentioned here in the comments, I had hoped for more sensitive examples. I'm also looking for peer support and unwillingly conforming that I have to also look for it outside of my team. I cringe with the idea of mentorship but I would like to try a more symmetric space for conversations with people that sometimes feel that they don't know what they're doing. What do you say? Small peer exchange group experiment?
Thanks!